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Death and Dying: Tragedy
or Opportunity?
by Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. |
Our response to any situation in our lives is
a direct result of our beliefs concerning that
situation. Our individual and societal beliefs
concerning what dying is and what happens after death
create many of the feelings that result when we are
faced with a life-threatening illness or with losing a
loved one. The fact that our experience, feelings and
behavior follow directly from our beliefs is illustrated
in the following examples describing divergent belief
systems concerning death and dying.
David, Thomas and Richard were all young, homosexual
men who died of AIDS.
David came from a Jewish humanistic/atheistic
heritage and had adopted the same beliefs as his
parents. His parents loved him dearly and had accepted
his sexual orientation as part of their humanistic
beliefs. Having no spiritual beliefs or experiences,
they have no concept of anything beyond this life. To
them, the soul is not separate from the body. Faced with
the prospect of their son dying, they were devastated.
To them, he would disappear forever into nothingness, a
thought they could not bear. David, sharing their
beliefs, was terrified of the thought of complete
annihilation. Because death to him meant the end of his
existence, he spent his last days fighting it, too
terrified to give in, even though he was in great pain.
When David finally died, his parents became depressed
and somewhat bitter. Their son was gone forever. They
felt helpless and hopeless and never quite recovered
from their loss.
Thomas came from a Fundamentalist Christian
background. Both he and his parents considered him to be
flawed, less than perfect in the eyes of God. They
believed that, because of his sexual orientation, he
could not enter the gates of heaven. Thomas’s life had
been a torture of self-recrimination over who he was,
and during his illness both he and his parents believed
he was being punished for being who he was. Death was
terrifying to Thomas as he imagined himself locked
forever in Hell. His parents, angry and bitter over the
prospective loss of their son, took some of this out on
him, blaming him for being gay. Thomas and his parents
faced his death with fear and anger. After his death,
his parents were stoic on the outside and deeply
grief-stricken on the inside, with no way to heal the
grief.
Richard was raised in a liberal Christian family with
strong spiritual values, which were greatly influenced
by Native American and Eastern philosophies. His family,
close-knit and accepting, did not often attend church
but brought their loving, compassionate God into their
everyday lives. They accepted their son’s sexual
orientation with equanimity, and he never stopped
experiencing their unconditional love. Richard and his
family believed that life on planet earth is part of an
eternal journey of the soul as it evolves toward oneness
with Spirit. They believe that our real home is in the
spiritual realm, and that death is no more than a
shedding of this temporary house of the soul as the soul
returns home once again. They believe they will see each
other again in the spirit realm, and that dying is not a
punishment or a tragedy but just an indication that the
lessons on schoolhouse earth are complete for this time
around. They see the dying process as another
opportunity for learning and growing in their
lovingness, and they see death as a transition into new
learning opportunities. They felt deep sorrow and grief
at the thought of not being together in the flesh, but
knowing they would always be together in spirit left
them filled rather than empty. Richard approached his
dying process as part of his life experience and was
surrounded with love when he left his body. His family
expressed their sorrow and grief freely, and also their
joy that he was out of pain, that his transition was
peaceful and that he is in a more beautiful place. They
are sad for themselves because they miss him but they
are happy for him that he has moved on to his real home.
They hold and comfort each other lovingly each time
their grief comes up, allowing healing to occur through
their shared love and sorrow. They pray for him daily
and connect with him in their dreams. His loss motivated
them to help other families who have children dying of
AIDS.
Losing someone we love or facing our own death is
never easy. We all become attached to this earthly
level, attached to our bodies as being part of who we
are. But it is especially difficult and even tortuous
when we believe in no God or in a punishing God.
Creating a new view of death and dying means changing
our belief system. The question is, how can we do this?
If, like David, we have had no spiritual beliefs, or
like Thomas we believe in a punishing God, how can we
change this? We cannot change our beliefs only on the
level of our minds. Our beliefs change only when we have
a new experience and in order to have this new
experience we have to be willing to have it. If
we want to stay with our old beliefs, then, of course,
we will be unwilling to open to anything new. The first
step, then, in changing our belief system is our
willingness to have a new experience. Once we are
willing, then we can open our heart to having a new
experience by deciding that we are ready to learn about
the truth--we are ready to question our cherished
beliefs and receive an experience of our truth. Once we
are open to learning, we can explore our present belief
system and trace it back to its origins, connecting our
fears regarding death and dying with our belief system.
Fear comes from false beliefs:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
After we understand the beliefs that create our fears
of death and dying, we can then open our hearts to
Higher Guidance, imagining a coach, a mentor, a teacher,
or an angel—someone we imagine within us or outside of
us who is filled with wisdom and love. As we imagine
talking with and listening to this wise being, we will
tap into our truth. Our truth is always available for us
when we truly open to it with a deep desire to learn.
Learning our truth may take time. We may hear it in our
own imaginations through words, pictures, or feelings.
We may hear it through the mouths of others, through
reading, through dreams. Our truth comes to us in
different ways, but we will recognize it only when we
are looking for it.
Once we begin to hear our truth and bring it down to
our feeling level--the wounded child within who has the
false beliefs--we can then take action based upon our
new truth. This means living our lives based on this
truth. What would you be doing differently if you
believed that your soul is not only eternal, but that
you are eternally loved by an unconditionally loving
God, which means that you are loved no matter what? What
if punishment is something you do to yourself through
your own false beliefs rather than something imposed
upon you from God? What if all of life’s difficulties
are challenges for you to move more and more into
lovingness and the full manifestation of your Self? What
if you are on a wonderful, creative, eternal journey to
evolve the very fabric of love--of God--through evolving
your own lovingness? What if becoming a more loving
human being is your sacred purpose and your sacred
privilege? How would you be living your life differently
if you believed the above?
The way we know something is true for us is if
it brings us peace and joy rather than fear. Darkness
brings fear. Lies bring fear. Truth brings joy and
peace. The more we open to truth and act on it, the more
peaceful and joyful we feel, about life and about death
and dying. Thus, taking action based upon new beliefs
will lead to knowing what is true for us.
These six steps: Willingness, Opening to Learning,
Exploring Beliefs with Wounded Self, Exploring Truth and
Loving Action with Higher Self, Taking Loving Action,
and Evaluating the Action can lead us to the healing of
our false beliefs concerning who we are, what God is,
what our purpose is, and anything else. Healing our
false beliefs and living in our truth completely changes
our experience of life and our experience of death.
©Copyright
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
All Rights Reserved.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the
co-creator of Inner Bonding, a transformational six-step
spiritual healing process. She is a best-selling author,
noted public speaker, workshop leader, consultant and
Inner Bonding facilitator. She has been leading groups,
teaching classes and workshops, and working with
individuals, couples, partnerships and businesses since
1973.
Margaret is the co-author of Do
I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? (over 400,000
copies sold), Free to Love, Do I Have To Give Up Me To
Be Loved By My Kids?, Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By You?...The Workbook, Healing Your Aloneness,
The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, and author of Inner
Bonding and recently released, Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By God? Her books have been translated into
ten languages: German, Italian, Danish, French, Spanish,
Portuguese, Chinese, Japanese, Dutch and Hungarian.
Healing Your Aloneness and The Healing Your Aloneness
Workbook are best-sellers in Germany. In her spare time,
she is an artist. She has three grown children.
Contact: 310-390-5993,
888-6INNERBOND (888-646-6372), Margaret@innerbonding.com,
www.innerbonding.com,
Inner Bonding® Educational Technologies, Inc., PMB #42,
2531 Sawtelle Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90064
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